A Girl’s Girl… Until He Picked Me (Part 2):
The Dismantling and the Rebuild
By Rukaiyah Williams
Church Culture & the Code of the Pick Me
“Be patient. Be virtuous. Be his peace.”
That’s the church-girl trifecta of the Pick Me Program.
From pulpit to pew, many of us were trained—explicitly or implicitly—to aspire to one thing: being chosen. Not just by God, but by a man. And not just any man—a “God-fearing” one. Even if he lacked integrity, compassion, or accountability.
Church culture doesn’t just promote purity. It promotes performance.
You’re encouraged to dress modestly, sit quietly, pray loudly, and serve endlessly… all in hopes that he sees you as worthy of wifehood. It’s the altar call of the Pick Me: sacrificing your wholeness for a ring, a title, or a testimony that says, “I waited and he chose me.”
And when he doesn’t choose you? You’re told to wait longer. Pray harder. Fast more. Be more “submitted.” Be less “difficult.” Smile through the struggle.
Submission, in many churches, isn’t taught as a mutual sacred dance—it’s taught as a one-sided audition.
And the competition? It’s real. With more women than men in many congregations, the unspoken tension is thick. Some women learn to compete in silence—serving beside one another while secretly sizing up who he’s watching. And when he picks you? You were “favored.” You “did it right.” You’re “blessed and highly favored.”
But what’s often ignored is the pain of being pitted against your sisters. Of thinking your faithfulness was the bait. Of being counseled to “hold on to your man” while ignoring every red flag waving in your spirit.
Many of our mothers and aunties meant well. But they passed down a gospel that glorified endurance over discernment and reverence over reality.
And so, the cycle repeated:
Pray to be picked.
Perform to be kept.
Pretend to be okay.
But pretending is not healing. And being chosen is not the same as being cherished.
Mini Soul Check-In: Church Trained, Pick Me Programmed
Were you ever taught that being a “good woman” meant being endlessly patient, quiet, or agreeable—no matter how you felt inside?
Have you ever stayed in a toxic relationship longer than you should have because someone told you to “pray it through”?
Did you ever see another woman as competition in church—hoping you’d be the one he noticed, pursued, or “chose”?
Were you ever praised more for being “pure” and “presentable” than for being whole, wise, or well?
Has your desire to be a wife ever caused you to ignore your truth, abandon your standards, or suppress your intuition?
You don’t need to be picked by someone who only sees your sacrifice. You deserve to be partnered with someone who honors your soul. And more than anything… you deserve to choose yourself first.
Reclaiming Your Integrity with Grace + Truth
Reclaiming your integrity isn't about shaming your past—it’s about being honest enough to name it, strong enough to face it, and brave enough to rewrite it. At some point, many of us have operated out of pain, insecurity, or conditioning that pulled us out of alignment with who we truly are.
Integrity isn’t just about doing what’s right in front of others—it’s about doing what honors your soul, especially when no one is watching.
It’s the moment you choose not to entertain messy energy because your peace costs too much. It’s choosing to walk away when your ego wants to compete. It’s not responding to disrespect by lowering your own standards. It’s the soft power of saying, “I love myself and my sisters too much to be the source of their pain.”
Walking in full self-respect means honoring your own heart and voice first—so you’re not swayed by crumbs disguised as connection. Sister-respect means upholding an unspoken code of dignity, even when it’s inconvenient, even when no one would know. You do it because you’ve healed enough to know how sacred your energy is—and how sacred another woman’s safety, joy, and trust should be too.
When we heal from betrayal—of ourselves or others—we begin to set new boundaries not out of bitterness, but out of love. We draw new lines in the sand that say: this is what safety looks like in my friendships, in my relationships, in my presence. And we enforce them not with force, but with grace and unwavering truth.
Grace liberates.
Truth protects.
Together, they allow you to release shame and reclaim your divine alignment. And when you reclaim yourself, you create space to honor other women, not just in theory—but in practice. You stop seeing life as a competition and start seeing it as a collaboration of souls, all trying to rise.
“May my healing be loud enough to transform me and quiet enough to never compete with another woman’s peace.”
— A Self-Love Out Loud Affirmation
Soul Work Reflection
Am I a Girl’s Girl in Practice or Performance?
This is your moment to pause, reflect, and realign. Being a girl’s girl isn’t about perfection. It’s about intention, integrity, and deep self-respect that spills over into how you show up for other women.
Take this as a sacred mirror moment—an opportunity to look within, not to judge yourself, but to grow with grace and truth.
Reflection Prompts:
When I say I’m a girl’s girl, what does that truly mean to me?
Have I ever excused, ignored, or justified behavior that dishonored another woman? Why?
Was I operating from fear? Insecurity? Competition? Loneliness? Ego? Survival?
Have I ever performed support in public, but silently judged, envied, or dismissed another woman in private?
Was I taught—directly or indirectly—that “being chosen” by a man gave me value? How has that shaped my choices or relationships?
How do I hold myself accountable now that I know better?
Am I showing up for women the way I desire to be seen, protected, and honored?
Mirror Moment:
Stand in front of the mirror, take a breath, and say aloud:
“I release the need to perform worthiness. I honor the sacred bond of sisterhood. I walk in integrity, even when no one is watching. I am a girl’s girl—in truth, in love, and in action.”
You’re not who you were. You’re not who they expected. You are who you’re becoming—and she is powerful.
Transformation Over Shame-From Shadow to Sovereignty
Shame is a silencer. It tells you that because you did it, you are it. That because you slipped, you’re stained. But shame is not truth—it’s a trap. And transformation can’t thrive where shame is still speaking louder than your self-worth.
The truth is: you’re allowed to grow beyond the version of you that didn’t know better. You’re allowed to shift. To bloom. To rise.
You are not bound to your past behavior, no matter how misaligned it was. You are not disqualified from healing because of the times you lacked integrity, betrayed your sisterhood, or silenced your own intuition. That was survival. That was programming. That was pain trying to protect you in a world that rewarded performance over self-respect.
But you’re here now.
Reading this.
Remembering.
Reclaiming.
Rewriting the story.
This is your transformation
Transformation is not about pretending it never happened. It’s about letting the truth shape you without shaming you. It’s choosing to look your past in the eye and say:
“You will not keep me small. You will not keep me silent. I forgive myself. I free myself.”
You may not have been a girl’s girl before—but you can be now. You may have been chosen at the cost of your peace—but you can choose yourself now.
Every lesson, every slip, every shadow you’ve met along the way has prepared you to walk in more truth, more love, and more wholeness than ever before.
And guess what? You’re not walking alone. We are rising in this together.
Sacred affirmation
“I thought being chosen meant I was winning—until I realized I had chosen to lose myself. But now I choose me. I choose truth. I choose sisterhood. And that is a victory no man can give or take away.”
the girl’s girl awakening
“I mistook his gaze for glory—
Thought his choosing made me worthy.
But love that costs your peace is not a prize.
Now I choose the mirror over the pedestal,
The truth over the tale,
The sisterhood I once forgot over the silence I once kept.
And this time, I choose me…
Loudly. Softly. Sacredly.
I choose me.”
Keep Healing, Keep Rising — The Self-Love Out Loud Experience
If this post resonated with your soul, Self-Love Out Loud is your next step. The Heyyy Girl Heyyy book series and upcoming digital course were created to help you heal the roots, rewrite the narrative, and reclaim your power.
Together, we explore hard truths, sacred boundaries, emotional alchemy, and real-life healing—not just in theory, but in practice.
Ready to go deeper?
Grab the books. Join the journey. Heal out loud.