They Called It Grace, But I Call It Grooming (Part 1)
Deconstructing the Lies Wrapped in Love
By Rukaiyah Williams
Heyyy Girl Heyyy,
Let’s have a deep dive conversation.
There’s a phrase I heard recently that stopped me in my tracks: “She was graced to endure.” It came from a viral interview with a well-known pastor and his wife—30 years into their marriage, sharing their testimony of love.
But the more I listened, the more uncomfortable I became. Because what was being praised as grace felt more like grooming. A lot more like enduring pain in the name of purpose.
This dangerous narrative—one that’s been preached, passed down, and praised in too many pulpits and pews—is why deconstruction is so necessary.
“We weren’t graced to endure. We were conditioned to believe that suffering was love.”
And I couldn’t help but think: How many of us have been taught to stay, suffer, and submit… and then call it love?
The Setup Always Starts Soft
Before we ever learned to say no, we were taught to be good girls. Before we learned to listen to our inner voice, we were taught to silence it for someone else’s comfort. Before we ever demanded reciprocity, we were praised for our patience.
Let me tell you how that looked in my life.
I had family members—older women I loved and looked up to—who modeled silence as survival. Women who taught me that being a woman meant being agreeable. That being “blessed” meant not speaking up when I was uncomfortable or hurting. That if someone mistreated me, I should turn the other cheek. Be the bigger person. Let it go.
I was told not to express how I felt. I was told it was more godly to keep the peace than to tell my truth. And that emotional suppression followed me for years.
“What didn’t come out in words as a child… came out in eruptions as an adult.”
At one point, I became extremely confrontational—not because I was angry by nature, but because that little girl inside me was still trying to advocate for herself. Still trying to scream, “That hurt me.” Still trying to say, “I deserve to be heard.”
And so by the time church layered on its doctrines of purity, submission, silence, and suffering—I was already trained to perform compliance.
That’s how it happens.
That’s how spiritual grooming works.
Not all at once, but little by little—until you forget how to hear your own voice over the noise of obedience.
When the Church Becomes the Blueprint for Grooming
It took me a long time to realize that my earliest grooming wasn’t from a man I dated—it was from the church. From systems that taught me submission before self-worth. From ministries that tuned out my voice while celebrating my servitude.
And it wasn’t always overt. Sometimes it came wrapped in community and scripture. But control is still control—even when it’s wearing a suit and holding a mic.
I remember one church I served in—a place where I was already ordained, already gifted, already called. But none of that mattered.
The pastor never graced me preach. Never acknowledged the fullness of who I was. I was assigned to lead praise and worship. Drama ministry. Creative roles—but nothing that held spiritual authority.
“That space didn’t honor me as a woman with a voice. It only honored women who performed obedience.”
And when I wrote my stage play Heaven or Hell: The Choice is Yours, she told me to rewrite it. Why? Because she didn’t like the idea of “saved” people going to hell. In her eyes, only the sinners needed to be warned.
Once again—I was asked to shrink. To censor. To protect her comfort instead of walk in my calling.
Groomed to Perform, Praised for Pain
There was even a moment in that same ministry where the single women were invited—no, expected—to take a purity vow. We wore white. We were given pearl rings. We married ourselves to God in a public ceremony.
It was presented as a choice, but the culture said otherwise. Comply, or disappear. Submit, or be overlooked.
And then came the rules: We couldn’t date without the pastor’s permission. We had to ask if we were “ready.” We were grown women waiting on spiritual permission slips like children.
That wasn’t divine order.
That was spiritual control.
So What Are We Really Deconstructing?
When I say I’m deconstructing, I’m not turning away from God. I’m turning away from the indoctrination that told me to glorify struggle. From performance-based faith that had me jumping through hoops for favor. From leadership that saw my gifts as threats instead of blessings.
Because if Jesus said “greater works shall you do,” Then why are we still worshipping pastors like they’re the only ones who can hear from God?
We were taught to deny the divine within and depend on someone else's proximity to power. But I’m no longer outsourcing my worth, my healing, or my access to Source.
“You don’t need to be graced to endure. You were born worthy of peace, love, safety, and joy.”
To be continued in Part 2…
In the next post, we’ll talk about:
Church hurt vs. pattern healing
Purity culture, control, and spiritual suffocation
Soul work and the real path to liberation
Why reclaiming your voice is the start of reclaiming your power
Soul Check-In: What Are You Still Calling Grace?
You’ve just read stories that may have felt familiar, unsettling, or even validating. Maybe you recognized your own silence in mine. Maybe your spirit stirred as old memories resurfaced. That’s not coincidence—that’s awakening.
Deconstruction isn’t about walking away from faith. It’s about walking back to yourself.
Before you move on with your day, take a moment to sit with these soul questions:
Reflect + Journal:
Who first taught me that suffering was a sign of being “strong” or “blessed”?
Have I ever stayed in a harmful situation—religious, relational, or familial—because I thought I was “graced to endure”?
What parts of me have I silenced in order to be accepted or seen as obedient?
Where am I still outsourcing my access to God, truth, or healing?
Today’s Soul Affirmation:
“I don’t need to be chosen by a person, platform, or pulpit to be sacred. I was already divine.”
Your Empowered Action:
Write one thing you’re ready to release that was never yours to carry in the first place. Say it out loud. Then whisper to yourself:
“I choose me now.”
Ready to begin your own sacred reset?
Explore the Heyyy Girl Heyyy Self-Love Collection:
A Journey to Self-Love & Empowerment – a raw and powerful guide to healing and returning to your highest self
The Self-Love & Reflection Journal – your personal space to do the soul work and process your growth
The Art of Self-Love – a soft and sacred guide to reconnecting with your divine feminine through self-care and soul care
The Magical Unicorn Affirmation Coloring & Activity Book – for your little one to join the journey, build confidence, and start affirming early
And stay tuned for the Self-Love Out Loud Healing Series—coming soon.
This transformative course is a sacred container for women ready to break cycles, reclaim their voice, and walk in truth. Each lesson is rooted in healing, accountability, spiritual alignment, and radical self-love. You’ll learn how to identify red flags, enforce boundaries, release soul ties, reparent your inner child, and rise in your divine worth.
Whether you’ve been shrinking, silencing, or surviving—this series will guide you back to your sacred self.
She’s waiting.
You’re ready.
Let’s heal out loud.
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