They Called It Grace, But I Call It Grooming (Part 2)
This Isn’t Just Church Hurt—It’s Pattern Healing
By Rukaiyah Williams
Heyyy Girl Heyyy,
Let’s get something clear: Church hurt is real. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived it. I’ve grieved it. But what I’ve come to understand is that beyond the individual pain we carry from church spaces—there’s a much deeper current beneath it. What many of us are experiencing isn’t just hurt—it’s pattern exposure.
What we’re deconstructing isn’t just “a bad experience.” It’s a whole culture of control. of silence. of spiritual suffocation.
When You Give Your All and Still Feel Unseen
There was a time when I gave everything to the church. My time. My talents. My creativity. My heart. And yet, when I fell into a financial jam—when I truly needed support—the same church I had poured into couldn’t pour back into me. Not because they didn’t have the resources, but because I didn’t fit their narrative of who deserved to be helped.
“Church can sometimes feel more like a social club than a sanctuary.”
There’s hierarchy. There’s favoritism. And often, there’s a silent competition to be close to the pastor—because in many churches, the pastor becomes the one everyone wants to impress. The one people worship more than the God they profess to believe in.
That’s not just hurt. That’s a system. And that’s what I’m deconstructing from.
The Spirit of Religion vs. The Power Within
The Bible talks about people having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof. And that’s what I see in a lot of modern church culture:
Performance over presence
Fear over faith
Dogma over divine connection
You hear it in how everything is blamed on the devil. People will shout, “The enemy is busy!” five times before they say, “I trust God.”
The majority give more power to the enemy than to the Creator.
And somehow, accountability gets left out. Because in religious culture, when someone does something harmful, they don’t take ownership. They say they were “under attack.” They “rebuke” it. They lay hands. But they rarely say: “I was wrong. I chose that. I need to grow.”
The Currency of Control: When Obedience Becomes Exploitation
Control in the church doesn’t always come with raised voices or harsh rebuke. Sometimes, it comes dressed in obedience.
In loyalty. In “sacrificial giving.” And if you're not careful, it’ll have you believing that surrendering your discernment is somehow pleasing to God.
25 years ago, I was part of a ministry in Virginia. Tax season had just come around, and I remember feeling deeply that I would need my refund for something important. I didn’t know what yet—I just felt it in my spirit. Then the pastor stood before the church and said, “God told me that everyone in here is to sow their ENTIRE tax refund. All of it. If you want to walk in obedience, you will give what belongs to God.” And as wrong as it felt… I did it. Not because I truly believed God had said it—but because I’d been conditioned to believe that obedience equaled favor. That to question a pastor was to question God.
“That day, I didn’t sow a seed—I sowed my sovereignty.”
Less than a week later, my car broke down. And the amount I needed to repair it? The exact amount I had just “sown.” I didn’t get another car for almost two years. And when a man I had helped in admin work offered to bless me with a brand new vehicle—one that I had literally prayed for—the same pastor told him I wasn’t spiritually ready to receive it. She said I hadn’t yet walked fully in obedience.
That I hadn’t earned it. That God wasn’t finished testing me.
And instead of the car I had prayed for… I received an old 1987 Dodge Diplomat. I named her Bertha and drove her humbly. But inside, something broke. Not because of the car—but because I realized I had traded my divine intuition for human approval. I had confused spiritual submission with spiritual dependency.
You Can’t Lead What You Refuse to Heal
This same indoctrination seeps into parenting too. How many of us were told, “Honor your mother and father so your days will be long?” How many of us internalized the idea that to survive spiritually, we had to stay silent emotionally? That verse was used as a tool of guilt and fear. But they skipped the rest: “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger.”
I had to face this truth with my own son. To see how my unhealed wounds, generational trauma, and religious beliefs shaped how I parented him. I wanted Tony to respect me—but I wasn’t fully respecting myself. That was the disconnect. “The irony? I was demanding the honor I hadn’t yet given to myself.”
That moment of accountability was the beginning of my transformation. Because healing as a mother begins with healing as a woman.
The Real Work: From Rebellion to Reclamation
A lot of people begin their deconstruction journey thinking it’s rebellion. But baby, what it really is… is reclamation. You’re not running from the truth—you’re running back to it.
But let me be honest with you: this work is not light. Soul work is sacred labor. And unlike surface-level “fix it” faith, it doesn’t stop at scripture recitation or Sunday morning tears.
It’s the mirror work.
It’s the journal pages soaked in truth you never wanted to admit.
It’s the ugly cries, the ego deaths, the boundaries you set shaking.
It’s unlearning everything you were praised for that actually destroyed you.
Shadow work will stretch you. It will bring up the parts of you that you’ve buried. The people-pleaser. The over-giver. The wounded little girl still waiting to be chosen.
But you know what else it does? It reveals who you really are.
“I am not broken. I was conditioned.
I am not lost. I was led away from myself.
I don’t need to be saved—I need to be seen.”
And that’s what soul work does. It doesn’t hand you power. It reminds you that it was always yours.
Faith without works is still dead. And the deepest work is the inner work.
You can’t manifest abundance while abandoning yourself.
You can’t walk in purpose if your inner child is still screaming for protection.
You can’t love out loud if your wounds are whispering that you’re unworthy.
This is the real deliverance.
Not someone laying hands on you.
But you laying hands on your own heart and saying, “You deserve to be free.”
So What Now?
Now, I choose me.
I choose alignment. Accountability. Sovereignty.
I choose to hear from God for myself.
I choose to live fully without asking for permission.
I choose to call out patterns without shame.
I choose to love myself OUT LOUD.
I’m no longer performing for pulpits or pleading to be seen. I’m no longer sacrificing my voice on the altar of someone else’s opinion.
“I am the altar. I am the access. I am the greater work.”
Soul Check-In: What Are You Ready to Unlearn?
This journey isn’t just about what you’ve been through—it’s about what you’re now choosing to release. Maybe this blog stirred memories you’ve buried. Maybe it revealed how much of your faith journey has been shaped by fear, performance, or control.
This is your invitation to pause and ask: What do I still believe that no longer belongs to me?
Because healing is not about proving you're worthy. It's about remembering that you always were.
Reflect + Journal:
What beliefs about obedience, blessing, or spiritual worth were handed to me—but never truly felt aligned?
Have I ever confused manipulation or guilt with God’s voice?
Where in my life am I still waiting on someone else’s permission to be free?
What would it feel like to walk in alignment, not approval?
Today’s Soul Affirmation:
“I am spiritually sovereign. I am the altar, the access, and the answer I’ve been waiting for.”
Your Empowered Action:
Write a sacred release statement. One sentence that names a belief, expectation, or pattern you are done carrying. Example: “I release the belief that I need to earn love through sacrifice.”
Say it aloud. Let it echo through you.
Then say: “I choose alignment over approval. I choose my soul.”
Your Healing Starts Now.
If any of this resonated with you, know this:
You are not crazy.
You are not rebellious.
You are awakening.
And when you’re ready to go deeper, start with the Heyyy Girl Heyyy Self-Love Collection—a sacred set of tools designed to walk with you as you rise:
• Heyyy Girl Heyyy: A Journey to Self-Love & Empowerment- This is the book that started it all. Raw, real, and power-packed, this book reads like a heart-to-heart with your soul sister. It’s filled with healing truths, hard lessons, empowering breakthroughs, and spiritual reminders to help you return to your highest self. If you’re ready to transform your life and stop shrinking in spaces you were meant to shine—start here.
• The Self-Love & Reflection Journal- Your sacred space for soul work. This journal is the companion to the main book, giving you space to process, reflect, and release. It includes intentional prompts, guided affirmations, and reflection activities to help you pause, go inward, and begin the work of healing in real time.
• The Art of Self-Love: A Healing Guide for Women- This is your soft place to land. Designed to nourish your divine feminine energy, this guide blends self-care with soul care. It’s full of healing rituals, sacred practices, and affirmations to help you reconnect with your softness, joy, and sensual wisdom. Perfect for the woman ready to stop surviving and start flourishing.
• The Magical Unicorn Affirmation Coloring & Activity Book- A radiant resource for your little princess to join you on the journey.
This book is packed with powerful affirmations, creative coloring pages, and simple activities to build confidence, positivity, and emotional awareness. Start affirming and empowering your daughters, nieces, and little sisters early—because their self-love matters too.
Every book in this collection is filled with positive affirmations, self-love lessons, and soul-deep tools to help you love yourself unapologetically and out loud. Whether you’re starting your journey or returning home to yourself—these books are here to walk with you.
And stay tuned for the Self-Love Out Loud Healing Series—coming soon.
This transformative course is a sacred container for women ready to break cycles, reclaim their voice, and walk in truth. Each lesson is rooted in healing, accountability, spiritual alignment, and radical self-love. You’ll learn how to identify red flags, enforce boundaries, release soul ties, reparent your inner child, and rise in your divine worth.
This isn’t just a class—it’s your reclamation.
She’s waiting.
You’re ready.
Be on the look out for more topics.
#HeyyyGirlHeyyy #SelfLoveOutLoud #SacredReset #SheIsHealing #SoulWorkIsSacredWork #UnapologeticallyLoved #SelfLoveForAllGenerations